December 30, early

Sad songs are so much better than happy ones

"The drugs don't work, they just make you worse
and I know I'll see your face again"

"Will I always feel this way?
So empty, so estranged
-
I've looked my demons in the eye
laid bare my chest, said do your best, destroy me
I've been to hell and back so many times
I must admit, you kind of bore me"

"But if you loved me
why'd you leave me?
Take my body
take my body
All I want is,
and all I need is
to find somebody
I'll find somebody
like you"

"Leave me out with the waste, this is not what I do
it's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you
it's the wrong time for somebody new
it's the wrong time, and I've got no excuse
is that alright with you?

give my gun away when it's loaded
is that alright yeah
if you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it
is that alright yeah"

"Just a small bump unborn
four months, then torn from life
maybe you were needed up there,
but we're still unaware as to why"

"I've figured out that joy is not in your arms
I know I'll always ache with an empty heart
I think it's time to run cause I'm seeing stars
I'm seeing starts, watch me fall apart"

"Some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
just hold the smile

falling in and out of love
ashamed and proud of
together all the while"

"Oh lord, here comes that sun again
that means another day
without you my friend
And it hurts me
to look in the mirror at myself
And it hurts even more
to have to be with somebody else
it's so hard to do
and so easy to say
but sometimes
sometimes
you just have to walk away"

"It seems so out of context 

in this gaudy apartment complex

the stranger with the door key,

explaining 'I'm just visiting'

I am finally seeing

That I was the one worth leaving

Well I was the one worth leaving"

December 29, early

Darkness and cold mix nicely because both are unwelcoming, and even though it wasn't that dark, and it wasn't that cold, my friend wasn't being friendly. I told her, and it pained me to say it, but who does that show more about? I messed up, and that's a habit, and to nearly be expected. But her? The one who used to pride herself on holiness, and acting like a Christian, simply letting go of my arm and walking away from me? What kind of friend is that? No friend at all? No, she's still a friend, but not a very good one.

Yet.

"The world is a broken place, and if you don't show that, you're lying." ~Señor Schemper

Showing the world that the world is a broken place comes all too easily. I've seen all the darkness I can want to see and yet showing that there is good doesn't come naturally. Writing about good is boring as hell too because who cares about the unicorn hopping over the fence from green grass into green grass? Now most stories talk about the unicorn going from brown grass to green grass, and that's okay, but something in me doesn't want to show the "redemptive qualities of life." Why is that? Have I never seen nor felt redemption in my life to the extent where I feel the need to evangelize on it? What kind of Christian does that make me? Does that mean I haven't fully accepted myself a sinner, or even worse, fully accepted grace? 

what

the 

fuck

December 28

28 or 27, or something

Here lies a found poem, constructed around 3:32 am and finished when he finished it, constructed also from the random thoughts deep within Isaac's mind:

thought 1: organizing found thoughts by number does not suit the style of found poems very well

bullet b: I don't write enough. But I do like writing screenplays. those are fun. lots of focus required for those ones.

letter c: I think of all the teachers at our homely little institution, you're the easiest to open up to. that's good, because anything else would be hard for kids to show real writing to.

IV: most clocks have IIII instead of IV on them if they're numerically roman

five: girls are the worst drugs

seis: my stomach almost hurts from being so hungry, but i suppose that's normal when i get up at noon, barely eat til dinner, graze after that and don't bring food with me to bed

number seven: this is not a poem. I don't think. or is it? The mystery of writing!

8: Mr. Schemper is very high quality. all around solid dude.

9: I've given up on different labels for each thought, because that's tedious and not the point of this.

10: Abby thrives off other people's pain. I hate to say it, but she's happy when others are not, and she can't get around that til she addresses the issue, but she doesn't even know it's there because everyone seems to agree with her when she points out the flaws in others so she doesn't realize it's a problem, as no one shows her.

11: I hated english classes until Señor Hiskes taught us about poetry.

12: Being polite is literally never a detriment. Ever.

13: I like the word detriment. Not so much the word detrimental cause that's used more, but definitely detriment. good word.

14: People are strange. Life is strange. If you think about how the planet and atmosphere are deteriorating based on human destruction and how people kill people based on beliefs and hatred, it all seems like a joke. Every problem could be solved if everyone stepped out of their comfort zone to help their fellow man. This has been philosopher Isaac, signing off.

15: Not actually signing off though. that's a lie.

16: Olivia Wisniewski is quite possibly the cutest girl I've ever talked to.

17: idk what to write here. adios señora rooks!

December 25

Originally I wrote "When grace entered the world" here, but for whatever reason, all the gift giving and merrymaking seems to shroud the reason for this holiday



while texting:

"Why do so few with whom you speak allude to such transparency? Or rather opacity, for all that is to be seen is visible"

"I couldn't tell ya"

"Perhaps because they fear their true intentions will be ill-recieved? But what is more cowardly than to take one's word, the very essence of their being, the sole remainder when all else is stripped away, and to use it as a mask? A mere illusion of untold thoughts? How devilish an endeavor, to hide one's ideals from the world by poisoning one's tongue

I'm shakespeare tonight fyi"

slightly later:

"Let my words be my lips,
dancing across your own,
to a rhythm known only to us;
our own hidden dance"

December 19

Everyone was excited, but everyone was too cold to show it. Huddled in hoods, mittens and boots, the shivers took place of the adventurous spirit. Ice dripped down from the railings, and carpeted the skin of the aquatic intrusion.

December 18

I've been holding it together for way too long
I've told myself and countless others far too many lies just to get by
I've smoked and drank and objectified multiple daughters of God
The only people I really, really care about are my best friends and Abby
Everyone else is just there, giving and taking as we see fit
I've lost all sense of value and purpose in God, girls, people, and unfortunately, a bit in myself

I put on a mask called confidence and they loved it
It brought me all I dreamed of: a spot on the varsity lacrosse team, more fine women than the I could see, and a sense of comfort I didn't know before
The face behind that mask slowly faded away, to the point where when I did take it off, I didn't know what was behind it
So I filled the void behind it with what was in front of it, taking a piece here and stuffing it there, till the outside was the inside and the depths of my soul were synonymous with the words slipping off my tongue

I don't know the face behind what's behind the mask

I've become the bad guy

December 13

I want to tell you about a friend of mine
One with the biggest brown eyes and an even bigger heart
But for some reason was blind and didn't know where to start

I want to tell you about a friend of mine
One who had such beauty that girls turned black with envy
and guys found no problem lusting over

I want to tell you about a friend of mine
Who had the most beautiful voice
to make me stop and think, "Holy shit she sings well"
as if she had a choice