January 20

EXT. - NIGHT
Isaac sits alone in his car. We pass a speed limit sign, showing thirty miles per hour. Close up on the speedometer: 68, 69, 70 mph. Cut to:

Isaac gets out of his car, slams the door, and locks it as he walks away. Follow cam: he swings wide the door, and slams it behind him.

INT. - NIGHT
Follow cam: He rapidly kicks off his shoes, strangles a hook with his jacket and nearly runs into the hall.

Flashback:
Isaac sits alone in his car, beginning to shake. The houselights illuminate a tear forming in both eyes, then departing from one.

Present:
Isaac is marching down the hall.
DAD
How was it?

ISAAC
Bad.

Angle on: Isaac enters the bathroom, where he fumbles with his toothpaste and toothbrush.

DAD
Did something happen?

New angle:
ISAAC (through a clenched jaw)
Nothing noteworthy. It's all for the better of everyone. Better for Kennedy, better for Isaac, better for the group.

Isaac begins to brush, but moments later spits out the contents of his mouth in disgust. He grabs a cup and fills it with water, downs it rapidly and stomps out.

Follow cam: Isaac storms up the stairs.

Angle on: We see his father, sitting in the glow of a television screen. His look depicts concern and surprise.

Flashback:
From his back seat: his car flies through a curved section of road, passing multiple other vehicles.

Present:
Follow cam: Isaac reaches the top of the stairs. Quick left as he opens the door, and slams it.

Flashback:
Isaac sits alone in his car, beginning to shake. The houselights illuminate a tear forming in both eyes, then departing from one.

Present:
Isaac slams his phone and keys onto his desk, and throws himself onto the bed. He bear hugs a pillow, but begins punching the mattress next to him.

Flashback:
Through the window we watch as he stands in the foyer of the same house. A girl, much shorter than he, in a maroon sweater and a white scarf stares up at him. She says something to him, from which she gets no response. Again, she says it, and he says one word. He wraps his arms around her shoulders, and slowly his head falls to rest on her own. The same shaking we saw from him in the car begins. She looks up in with dismay. He turns to exit the house.

Present:
His punches become staggered and weak.
Dolly in: we hear him begin to cry again, further burying his head in the pillow.

Flashback:
Isaac, the girl in the sweater, another girl and another boy sit in a basement. A long pause is broken.

GIRL IN SWEATER:
So what do you think?

ISAAC:
I can't stop you.

He gets up and walks towards the upward leading stairs.

The two girls whisper angrily for a moment, then the second points to the one in the sweater, the points to the stairs. The first girl reluctantly gets up and follows Isaac up the stairs.

Present:

January 17

There are people who are wronged, and realize that the situation was a mistake and forgive those who trespass.

Then there's this bitch who thinks that her daughter inviting me into her house (aka taking the screen off the window and unlocking it) is breaking and entering and that I'm going to be prosecuted for statutory rape when her daughter does something for me willingly. 

Some people man, some people.

January 14

Of course, things were going okay for far too long, and a disaster always succeeds a good time.

But holy fucking shit some people.

I try to not ask for much, and sometimes I do, but I know that I sometimes give a lot in return. Be on time, if you're gonna bail, at least don't do it the day of, and if you're gonna say you're gonna be sober, DON'T GO AND FUCKING SMOKE WEED WITH GOD KNOWS WHO.

Some people just need to help themselves, and Isaac doesn't like being the asshole who has to tell them that. He likes helping people. He likes helping himself. He likes seeing progress. He hates being stagnant. Staying the same at the top is good, continual progression is fine if it's slow, and there is a case to be argued for staying at the bottom, but if you say you're going to try to get better and give us a speech about how you want an upright, nice guy like the guys in Living Hope, and two nights later tell two of your good friends that you sucked his dick, not once, but two times, while you're intoxicated, I have no respect for you.

Some people, man, some people.

January 9, early

When she asked us to write about questions, his name came to mind
See a bullet went right through him, and there he sat, and there he died.
His wife sat next to him, his son behind,
when that twisted, sick son of a bitch needed to get high
so he grabbed Ron's checkbook and pulled the trigger, just one time,
before turning around, as the light drained from Ron's eyes

Of all the things I've asked,
I've yet to find an answer
Why do I have both grandmas
and only one grandpa?

January 8

Kennedy. We're going to work out. Don't worry about that. See relationships are measured in part by physical connection and how far that goes, and in part by how your affection grows and in part by how you learn to work together both as lovers and friends, as human bodies and compromise ridden souls seeing no fight, no peace, only agreement after agreement to the end. See it took me a long time to know this, as all my relationships started out physically and simply created friendship by common interest from that but no i'm learning: you kiss her when you're able to kiss her, not when your testosterone filled veins lunge forward and scream go, or when her beautiful physique can no longer say no, but when the emotional ties have been knotted and when the play dates have been dotted with restraint because you know she is worth more than wasting your first kiss together on a good lyric or a happy movie, then. then you know to kiss her.

you're my dream man
you're a dream, girl
taking my hand daily,
showing me a different world
taking my thoughts and caging them in
cause i was a wild animal on a killing spree
til you let open season begin
it was all too easy
to take that lovely knife
and to sink it slowly
between the ribs of your unsuspecting, willing life
but it was too easy
so simple, nothing there to stop me
till i realized that brake exists
i just need to get him out of me


"such strong words, if rendered empty, leave you only one option: run." ~some wise guy i just made up and spoke for.

January 6

So I'm sitting here, eating my sour cream and onion Sun Chips, listening to every song on that sad song list, when I remember (for the umpteenth time) that I'm going to see her tomorrow. I know I'm going to have to go through a long night of breathing strictly from my mouth, listening to my sister bitch out my mom, being hungry, needing to go to the bathroom, and a morning of sitting, waiting and wishing, but tomorrow, just a matter of hours from now, I get to see her. 

Her, the one that I hated everything about, and that I should have no interest in. Her, the one who is a little bit different from all the other ones, whose friends have all loved and hated me. Her, the one I realize I can't keep my eyes off. Her. 

Tomorrow isn't so far off

January 5

"Sometimes you break your arm, and you try holding it together to help it heal, and other times you put it in a splint or a sling to aid the process. This time, I'm working on putting a cast around it so it will heal properly and nothing else can hurt it."

~Isaac, on his never ending relationship with some girl.

"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again." For how much I despise that song, it does hold a certain amount of truth. Most people see bent as not perfect and therefore not right, whereas the more experienced ones of us see bent as simply different and unique, and thus more lovable. The majority of those who look down upon the bent have never been touched, played with, scratched or even looked at properly in their love life to realize that from brokenness comes new bonds, and these new bonds are like scar tissue: stronger than what came before, albeit not as pretty.

While unblemished human muscle grows in a basket weave pattern, scar tissue grows back all in one direction. This is true of the human heart, head and spirit. You can't replicate innocence or your original feelings for someone if you've lost it or been hurt by them. There are hundreds of different ways to cope, and depending on how bad the 'injury,' you might be able to get back to how you originally were, like a cut on your arm leaving a small scar. But sometimes, you emotionally invest yourself in someone else and when that goes to shit the only way you can rebuild is by doing what you did before, replicating that time before your innocence was lost and before you had bad relations with that person: You need to love someone else to help that scar tissue heal. You need a cast to help your broken arm, because just letting it be might not heal properly.


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Hello there old angel,
tell me how has this hell been?
I hate to see our thoughts conflicting
because of how some things came to end
And I hate to see you hate yourself,
because I know you can not love
anyone but my heart
and that bridge went up in dust

Hello there old angel,
tell me how has this hell been?
Cause I've seen you hellbent on getting out
Without relying on earthly ends
And your friends have disappeared
Or were not friends at all
And I'm trying to help, God knows I am
Cause acting like our Savior is His greatest call

Hello there old angel,
tell me how has this hell been?
I'd like to put on my shiny wings
And we can listen to the chorus that never ends
I'd love to show you that city
stadia wide and miles high
of gold encrusted pearls and jewels
where we can together hide


but oh god oh god let me show you