January 30

....that's just it though: we're never gonna fix ourselves. Yes, medicine, therapy, and good support help you to get back to where you should be, but that doesn't mean things are gonna be perfect. You know that of course, but I don't think you grasp the concept of what it means to 'better yourself.' You can focus on your problems, and focus just on working on them, blocking everything else out, but the more you focus on something bad, the bigger it seems. We're all messed up, yes, but fixing yourself isn't really something you can do, in my opinion. Yes, you can take down one problem after another and get all your shit in a line, but just because you've dealt with everything doesn't mean you can make yourself whole again.

And yes, I know that doesn't mean you don't need to worry about any of your shortcomings and jump into whatever comes your way, but it doesn't mean you need to stop something good to focus on something bad. Food for thought.

January 28

"Temptation is a mirror to our greatest desires."

Isaac Nelson, 2014

What we desire most appeals to us the most: A candy bar in the check out lane, the prospect of a day with no school, the girl we once loved talking of being alone with us. Some things, like candy, have very little effect. Other things, like a snow day, have the potential to ruin a lesson plan, but at the beginning of the semester, few teachers care. The things that have the greatest possibility for destruction are the ones that stay on our minds far past the time when we first thought of them. Things like taking her up on her offer to 'go to a friend's house' are the ones that can destroy everything we worked so hard for. Temptation is rarely seen as a good trait that a person or object can possess, and temptation gains its reputation from times like this. 

Eve was tempted and ate the apple. But what if her name is not Eve, and the apple is just an apple?

January 23

I'd write about how angry, or sad, or happy, or emotional I am, but for the first time in a while, I feel nothing. Two nights ago I felt numb, but now, I don't even feel that. It's a strange feeling, feeling nothing. You expect it to be different, but you're just standing there, doing the dishes, and nothing seems different. You're not happy about tomorrow, nor sad about yesterday, but indifferent about everything. The looming, daunting semester simply exists. The prospect of a great weekend no longer excites you, nor does any combination of people or places. It's neither black nor white, just grey. No hills, no valleys. Life just is sometimes, and sometimes being is all you can do.

January 20

EXT. - NIGHT
Isaac sits alone in his car. We pass a speed limit sign, showing thirty miles per hour. Close up on the speedometer: 68, 69, 70 mph. Cut to:

Isaac gets out of his car, slams the door, and locks it as he walks away. Follow cam: he swings wide the door, and slams it behind him.

INT. - NIGHT
Follow cam: He rapidly kicks off his shoes, strangles a hook with his jacket and nearly runs into the hall.

Flashback:
Isaac sits alone in his car, beginning to shake. The houselights illuminate a tear forming in both eyes, then departing from one.

Present:
Isaac is marching down the hall.
DAD
How was it?

ISAAC
Bad.

Angle on: Isaac enters the bathroom, where he fumbles with his toothpaste and toothbrush.

DAD
Did something happen?

New angle:
ISAAC (through a clenched jaw)
Nothing noteworthy. It's all for the better of everyone. Better for Kennedy, better for Isaac, better for the group.

Isaac begins to brush, but moments later spits out the contents of his mouth in disgust. He grabs a cup and fills it with water, downs it rapidly and stomps out.

Follow cam: Isaac storms up the stairs.

Angle on: We see his father, sitting in the glow of a television screen. His look depicts concern and surprise.

Flashback:
From his back seat: his car flies through a curved section of road, passing multiple other vehicles.

Present:
Follow cam: Isaac reaches the top of the stairs. Quick left as he opens the door, and slams it.

Flashback:
Isaac sits alone in his car, beginning to shake. The houselights illuminate a tear forming in both eyes, then departing from one.

Present:
Isaac slams his phone and keys onto his desk, and throws himself onto the bed. He bear hugs a pillow, but begins punching the mattress next to him.

Flashback:
Through the window we watch as he stands in the foyer of the same house. A girl, much shorter than he, in a maroon sweater and a white scarf stares up at him. She says something to him, from which she gets no response. Again, she says it, and he says one word. He wraps his arms around her shoulders, and slowly his head falls to rest on her own. The same shaking we saw from him in the car begins. She looks up in with dismay. He turns to exit the house.

Present:
His punches become staggered and weak.
Dolly in: we hear him begin to cry again, further burying his head in the pillow.

Flashback:
Isaac, the girl in the sweater, another girl and another boy sit in a basement. A long pause is broken.

GIRL IN SWEATER:
So what do you think?

ISAAC:
I can't stop you.

He gets up and walks towards the upward leading stairs.

The two girls whisper angrily for a moment, then the second points to the one in the sweater, the points to the stairs. The first girl reluctantly gets up and follows Isaac up the stairs.

Present:

January 17

There are people who are wronged, and realize that the situation was a mistake and forgive those who trespass.

Then there's this bitch who thinks that her daughter inviting me into her house (aka taking the screen off the window and unlocking it) is breaking and entering and that I'm going to be prosecuted for statutory rape when her daughter does something for me willingly. 

Some people man, some people.

January 14

Of course, things were going okay for far too long, and a disaster always succeeds a good time.

But holy fucking shit some people.

I try to not ask for much, and sometimes I do, but I know that I sometimes give a lot in return. Be on time, if you're gonna bail, at least don't do it the day of, and if you're gonna say you're gonna be sober, DON'T GO AND FUCKING SMOKE WEED WITH GOD KNOWS WHO.

Some people just need to help themselves, and Isaac doesn't like being the asshole who has to tell them that. He likes helping people. He likes helping himself. He likes seeing progress. He hates being stagnant. Staying the same at the top is good, continual progression is fine if it's slow, and there is a case to be argued for staying at the bottom, but if you say you're going to try to get better and give us a speech about how you want an upright, nice guy like the guys in Living Hope, and two nights later tell two of your good friends that you sucked his dick, not once, but two times, while you're intoxicated, I have no respect for you.

Some people, man, some people.

January 9, early

When she asked us to write about questions, his name came to mind
See a bullet went right through him, and there he sat, and there he died.
His wife sat next to him, his son behind,
when that twisted, sick son of a bitch needed to get high
so he grabbed Ron's checkbook and pulled the trigger, just one time,
before turning around, as the light drained from Ron's eyes

Of all the things I've asked,
I've yet to find an answer
Why do I have both grandmas
and only one grandpa?