November 30

"I feel terrible right now, and it's because they invited me out and it happened again. I feel even worse because I told you it wouldn't happen again, and we both believed it. I feel terrible because you forgave me once and I'm already pushing that. I feel terrible because it actually worked this time and I was high as hell. And I know I could keep doing this behind your back, but I hate keeping stuff from you cause you really are the closest thing I have to a brother. I'm sorry Nolan. It's not happening again, because you don't want it to and because you don't want me to be that person.

I know no matter how much I fuck up, He'll still forgive me and all can be well. I know you're a very accepting and forgiving person, and that it wouldn't happen after two times, but I'm not about to lose my best friend because some stupid girls passed me a bowl and I wasn't smart enough to say no."

How fucked up is it that he and one other person are the only people in my life who could tell me not to and I wouldn't?


forgiveness is a strange thing

November 25

I feel like crying, and I feel nothing at all. I feel like curling up in a ball and lying there for three days and I feel like I should be doing something with my life. I feel bad, and I want to feel good. Worst of all, I don't know what's making me feel bad, and I don't know what's keeping me from being good.

November 17

Mind Games & Guided Missiles

It was the kind of feeling where you wanted to continue, but you couldn't. You just lay there, breathing heavily, the rational part of you saying keep going, while the other ninety five percent disappeared. Not disappeared like daydreaming, or too focused to be conscious of your environment, but a feeling of physical detachment, out of body, I'm on a cloud right now, aren't I, gone. Slowly the feeling started to subside and the rational part gained some ground, and you continued what you started. It was good, but not nearly as good as before, as the feeling had changed all perception of the senses.

November 13

rap

An idea inside
That I can't get out
Like a pantomime
I just want to shout
I just want to scream
I just want to be
Who ever it is
I'm supposed to be
I want to yell and
I want your hell and
I want to cry
Cause I heard you fell
I can't help you up
You can't pull me down
I'm stuck in the middle
of the sky and the ground
Erry time I reach down
You lick your lips
To tell me no
Or to tell me this:
Oh no
you're too late
I gave you a lifetime
You gave me hate
I hate myself
Cause you hated me first
That lifetime was a desert
and you quenched my thirst
But that water that I drank
Was no water at all
it was salt and vinegar
So you could watch me fall
See my scars?
See this scratch?
These are all yours
Take them all back
All of that
All my past
All that pain
I want that passed
I want it gone now
Anxiety attacks
the eating disorder
The life I've had
Disappear
Please dissipate
Cause I don't know
If I can take

much more.

November 12

I seem to only be able to write when something is wrong. Nothing has been going poorly the past four days so I've nothing to write about. My apologies.

November 10

Inspired by Blink 182's I Miss You

A narrative of thoughts

Hello there
How have you been?
You're looking better than ever
I'm glad that we're still friends

I miss our conversation
I miss our walks to nowhere in the dark
I miss no reservations
Every single day after school
Making out in that old church bus
cause we know we're both fools
but we loved it
I miss our union
just sitting and being with each other for fun
We could have been perfect
But fuck i was too stupid
I looked away from the gold that March night
I saw some tin foil
I thought that it was shiny
I picked it up and messed around
Without your finding
If anything has caused self loathing it's that
(i never told you. i know it all seems like it was nothing now.)

Hello there
It's nice to see you in spite of this
Deja vu striking hard
As I bike over tonight
let's go stargazing
lay together on a blanket
we can hold hands if you'd like
fingers freezing together like icicles
before i leave smiling on my bike
As laugh as I get to my street
Like "God you made her perfect"
Then cry cause she was once too perfect for me
Gifts are given
But too much good is unhealthy
so they're taken also
To teach a simple lesson:
don't look too hard
don't go too far
27th up to 30th
by bike, not car
and there you'll find her waiting
sitting patiently like she always did
she'll smile with a hey there


i realize i can't write about her without talking about how damn wonderful she was. this will get repetitive. she was perfect.

November 6

Silence looks like
Finally falling asleep after a rough night

Silence looks like
The eye contact before her first kiss

Silence looks like
A sky full of snow illuminated by streetlights

Silence looks like
Sitting in the car alone, far too morose to speak

Silence looks like
Rain pouring down on the other side of a window

Silence looks like
Peace

Peace looks like
Silence

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Tonight's biggest accomplishment?
Drifting out of consciousness
When counting sheep & common sense
don't lend a hand to calm my head
The music stops
the pounding ends
I'm left alone
My thoughts again
Havoc wreaked
No reprimand
I can't control
What's happening

Then it stops

But only momentarily
before the bass drops again
Shaking me so scarily
From the inside out
At the point where I can barely see
losing focus
out of mind
A drug not taken
voluntarily
This is not customary
this delusional device
known as silence
known as me
Investigating my mind
What monsters may exist
behind these two emerald eyes
Is known to few
Is known to me
When distractions go to die
The beasts come out
to play with once more
raging war on the inside
But this is not Normandy
Yet I cannot stop the tide

So I hide.
I run from all the struggles
I do not face my fear
Your greatest enemy
is yourself
This enemy is not dear.