March 11, 10:2

I remember the first time she told me she loved me. It was over the phone. She was reading me a letter she wrote to me. I didn't say I loved her back because I didn't know if I did. She told me later my silent reply hurt her. If I was there with her in person, I'd have kissed her, or hugged her, or held her hand or made eye contact with her or something. But telephones are for talking, and I didn't know what to say.

So I did my best to console her, which isn't easy for someone who can't find any decent word to say and has to let her hang up on me in silence. I'd have consoled her with a hug, or a kiss, or a hand wrapped around hers, but she was not there. She was in her house, and I was in mine. And that was painful for me to hear.

February 21

"...how does that work?"

"I have no idea, Sven."

pause

"how have you been lately?"

pause

"have you ever felt like something is... just... wrong when you're not with her?"

"what do you mean?"

"I just... when we're apart I don't feel... whole. or complete or, myself."

February 11

I hate not being able to help her. I hate when she hides things, and when things that she shouldn't worry about bother her. I love how much she cares for people, but I hate how little she can let go of.

Love and hate are strong words,

but I'm getting closer to loving her every day.

February 4

from a lover


To hold you in my arms is to wake to the sun,
for though it happens time and time again,
the delight reminds me of something supernatural,
something only He could bring to us.

To see you is to see the moon,
blazing white in the indigo sky,
a natural wonder adored by many,
experienced by few.


to a lover

January 30

....that's just it though: we're never gonna fix ourselves. Yes, medicine, therapy, and good support help you to get back to where you should be, but that doesn't mean things are gonna be perfect. You know that of course, but I don't think you grasp the concept of what it means to 'better yourself.' You can focus on your problems, and focus just on working on them, blocking everything else out, but the more you focus on something bad, the bigger it seems. We're all messed up, yes, but fixing yourself isn't really something you can do, in my opinion. Yes, you can take down one problem after another and get all your shit in a line, but just because you've dealt with everything doesn't mean you can make yourself whole again.

And yes, I know that doesn't mean you don't need to worry about any of your shortcomings and jump into whatever comes your way, but it doesn't mean you need to stop something good to focus on something bad. Food for thought.

January 28

"Temptation is a mirror to our greatest desires."

Isaac Nelson, 2014

What we desire most appeals to us the most: A candy bar in the check out lane, the prospect of a day with no school, the girl we once loved talking of being alone with us. Some things, like candy, have very little effect. Other things, like a snow day, have the potential to ruin a lesson plan, but at the beginning of the semester, few teachers care. The things that have the greatest possibility for destruction are the ones that stay on our minds far past the time when we first thought of them. Things like taking her up on her offer to 'go to a friend's house' are the ones that can destroy everything we worked so hard for. Temptation is rarely seen as a good trait that a person or object can possess, and temptation gains its reputation from times like this. 

Eve was tempted and ate the apple. But what if her name is not Eve, and the apple is just an apple?

January 23

I'd write about how angry, or sad, or happy, or emotional I am, but for the first time in a while, I feel nothing. Two nights ago I felt numb, but now, I don't even feel that. It's a strange feeling, feeling nothing. You expect it to be different, but you're just standing there, doing the dishes, and nothing seems different. You're not happy about tomorrow, nor sad about yesterday, but indifferent about everything. The looming, daunting semester simply exists. The prospect of a great weekend no longer excites you, nor does any combination of people or places. It's neither black nor white, just grey. No hills, no valleys. Life just is sometimes, and sometimes being is all you can do.